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Spam
In the near future...
A new United States communications bill has legalized spam. Seconds
after the bill passed, every U.S. citizen’s email inbox filled
to capacity with corporate spam, rendering email useless as a form
of communication. A person that empties their inbox receives gigabytes
of spam within seconds, thus incapacitating their inbox once again.
The odds of someone receiving a personal message before their inbox
reaches capacity are worse than the odds of a person winning the
lottery 82 consecutive times.
FROM: dan
TO: alice
DATE: July 24, 2010 3:47am
SUBJECT: Meet me at the top of the Empire State Building
MESSAGE:
Alice,
I don’t have your phone number or your address so the only
way I am able to contact you is through email. If you DO get this,
meet me on top of the Empire State Building tomorrow, at 2:00 in
the afternoon.
You see, I’m a nerd. And you may not want to date a nerd, but
I have just written the most powerful spam program ever. If it works,
this message will wind up eating all other spam and duplicating
itself until it is the only message filling every inbox in the world.
I expect to see you tomorrow. Please forgive me for having called
your favorite TV show a “waste of time.”
Dan
FROM: dan
TO: alice
DATE: July 26, 2010 2:52am
SUBJECT: I didn’t see you there
MESSAGE:
Alice,
You missed an exciting time. I counted 256 Alices that were reunited
with their Dans. It’s too bad you weren’t there.
I’ve given it some thought and I have come to realize that
you probably don’t know who I am. I’m the one who argued
with you about television shows shortly after you gave your email
address to some guy in a Yankees cap. In retrospect, I think you
may not have heard me yelling my name to you as I was being escorted
from the bar.
In any case, this is the last communication you will ever receive
from me. I have decided to post my spam program on the Internet
for download. After people begin downloading it, I will no longer
be the master of all email.
I have hacked into local hospital databases to get a list of people
named Alice just in case you were hospitalized and that is why you
couldn’t make it to our rendezvous yesterday. Take care, and
know that I will visit each and every hospitalized person that matches
your name, gender, and age range, shortly. See you soon.
Dan
FROM: hotSauceDQZ43
TO: everyone
DATE: July 26, 2010 3:08am
SUBJECT: YO DO3S THES ACTUALY WORK???!?! OMG LOL
MESSAGE:
YO YO YO!1!11!!! LOL WAZZZZZZUP?!?!? WTF LOL DO3S THES 3MALE PROGRM
ACTUALY WORK?!!!?!! OMG LOL ‘CAUES I THINK I MIGHT B TEH FIRST
PERSON 2 UES IT!11!1 OMG WTF LOL YO!1!!!1 OMG WTF LOL L3T M3 KNOW!!!!!!1!!
OMG WTF
FROM: slackmaster2300
TO: everyone
DATE: July 27, 2010 10:08am
SUBJECT: help I’m trapped in basemint
MESSAGE:
I kno Tiger Private Eye supposed to be cool but I can’t get
out of basemint.
Someone help plese I been playing for two days and can’t figer
it out.
Kenny aka slackmaster2300
FROM: dr4g0nT3amL3ader
TO: everyone
DATE: July 27, 2010 10:09am
SUBJECT: solution to “basemint” trap
MESSAGE:
Kenny, the solution is simple, but I can see how you got stuck.
It happened to me, too, for a little while. The trick is: you have
to turn on all of the power tools at the same time. If you’re
like me, you tried them each one at a time and figured out they
don’t do anything. If you turn them all on at once, though,
you’ll cause a short that will disable the power lock on the
door. Enjoy! Tiger Private Eye gets really good when you get to
the third level. Watch out for a surprise from the sky. Over and
out.
FROM: jammiejams39
TO: everyone
DATE: July 27, 2010 4:28pm
SUBJECT: How should I cook this halibut?
MESSAGE:
I’m unsure of the best way to prepare it. If you can spam the
answer in the next 20 minutes, you’ll save my dinner and possibly
rescue the stomachs of 12 of my friends :)
FROM: sweetheartofthesea
TO: everyone
DATE: July 28, 2010 1:49pm
SUBJECT: For the Winchester family of Colgate IA only
MESSAGE:
Hello Winchesters,
Updated family photos on the Web site. Got JJ’s birthday pics
up, and some more from the farm. You know where the site is, so
take a look. Lost my cell. Otherwise I’d have called. Will
get replacement soon.
Love,
Barb
FROM: The Office of Senator Gyrich
TO: everyone
DATE: July 29, 2010 8:47am
SUBJECT: Using this spam program is illegal and un-American!
MESSAGE:
Dear citizens,
Cease and desist your irresponsible and illegal use of this spam
program. A consortium of congressmen and important business leaders
has determined that this spam program is detrimental to the United
States’ ability to use communication channels for responsible
information sharing. Furthermore, this information now has to be
dispersed by telephone, an abominable step back to the dark ages.
Not only has the spam program hindered legitimate communication
between proper authorities, it has led to a frightening amount of
spontaneous mass communication that could be harmful to our fair
planet.
This current state of crisis has forced Congress to consider yet
another communications bill, one that will serve our purposes once
and for all. The emergency vote on this bill will happen tomorrow,
but regardless of the outcome, I urge you all to stop using this
spam program so that civilization can proceed as planned.
Remember: refuse to use the spam program.
Senator Gyrich
FROM: robert214
TO: everyone
DATE: July 29, 2010 4:24pm
SUBJECT: Bowling at six, Charlotte, NC
MESSAGE:
Anyone want to go bowling? I’m heading to Happy Lanes at 6.
See you there. Bob.
FROM: sara77niner
TO: everyone
DATE: July 30, 2010 8:14pm
SUBJECT: That new communication bill is bogus!!!
MESSAGE:
Way to go Congress. Now my phone never stops ringing. Good one.
If something’s broke, break something else, is that it?
If anyone wants to get a hold of me, I’ll be in the loo.
Sara
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